By Roy Mathur, on 2023-10-30, at 23:40:21--00:14:49 GMT, for Captain Roy's Rusty Rocket Radio Show
Happy Halloween Eve from Castle Royenstein, my friends. This is not our continuing, everlasting, never-ending unto the end of time itself, Classic Doctor Who revisit (so help me gods), but something entirely new. I promised a Blake's 7 revisit, but so many other podcasts are doing that currently that I am going to delve into something decidedly different. This is the inaugural episode of my new revisit of Hammer House of Horror; the iconic 1980 British Horror anthology series.
It's about time we did something more adult and nasty, though tasty, and this thirteen part series is it. Produced by Hammer Films/Cinema Arts/ITC Entertainment and originally broadcast on ITV in the UK from September to December 1980, this show is everything Hammer is good at; mild titillation and blood splatter, garnished with trashy 80s zeitgeist.
I have fleeting, possibly inaccurate, memories of watching this on a Hitachi Black and White TV on repeat. It stayed with me as something I recall enjoying and it's brevity is appealing, in that I stand a chance of revisiting all episodes quickly and maintaining and enthusiastic momentum. That is, I probably won't get bored.
If you want to follow along, the DVD is widely and cheaply available and it can also be streamed free on ITVX in the UK.
As with the DW revisits, expect a concise revisit.
As my mother is apt to say, enjoy enjoy.
Cast: David Winter: Jon Finch; ex-para and SAS action man, prolific, notably starred as Michael Moorcock's Jerry Cornelius in The Final Programme (1973) somewhat unfairly disowned by the author, Lucinda Jessup (Witch): Patricia Quinn; prolific, notably Magenta from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) and a sorceress in Hawk the Slayer (1980), possibly off the back of this, or vice versa, Mary Winter (Wife): Prunella Gee, Charles (Doctor): Ian McCulloch, Rector: Lennard Pearce, Sister (Nurse) Margaret Anderson
Director: Don Leaver (also directed The Avengers)
Writer: Anthony Read; prolific writer and producer, e.g. Sapphire and Steel, Chocky, etc.
Producer: Roy Skeggs; ex-Hammer Films, formed spin-off Cinema Arts, returned to Hammer Films, moved production to Buckinghamshire, and created Hammer House of Horror
Locations: Various locations in Buckinghamshire in 1980.
Broadcast: Episode 1 first broadcast 13 September 1980.
The number one song in the UK was Scottish singer, Kelly Marie's poppy, discotastic, and very camp, rendition of Feels Like I'm in Love. It's brilliant!
Middle-class media folk experience domestic strife on a dark and stormy night as hubby, a film composer (two gold albums hang on the studio wall), works hard on his latest project; a horror film starring wifey; an actress currently away on location, but really boinking the hunky local doc.
An understandably stressed, David (Jon Finch), discovers a hot 17th century witch hiding out in the stables, having somehow time jumped to the present day, escaping her fiery execution in the past.
The modern world---blinding electric lights, hissing showers, and a gurgling flushing toilet---is initially terrifying to the time traveller, so considerate David, thinking she's a random nutter, settles her into what she says is her old room at the farmhouse, then locks her in.
The same bit-on-the-side doc, who's bonking poor David's spouse, disbelieves his story and treats him for stress.
Things take a sinister turn as Lucinda the witch gets witchy and horny and bangs the living daylights out of David. (I have to stop saying "poor David").
Later, his unfaithful wife returns to minister to him. She begins to believe in Lucinda's existence when she becomes a victim her malevolence, a local priest confirms Lucinda's story, and she finds the doll that was used to harm her.
Bewitched by Lucinda, David imprisons his wife and constructs a stake to burn her. She escapes and turns the tables, and imprisons David.
Struggling with Lucinda, the stables catch fire. She wins by dousing Lucinda in water, then drowning her. We hear Lucinda screaming when David throws the doll into the fire.
Ah, the 80s. Loose women and controlling men having it off left, right, and centre, and twice on Sundays.
What's with Finch's godawful semi-mullet? Oh, I'll let it go. Every male whose age spans 1980s has had a mullet.
The real star is Patricia Quinn, chewing the scenery as the fantastically batty Lucinda Jessop. She's wild, sexy, malevolent, naked but for her witchy black gown, and cackles like a mad person. She makes everyone else look humdrum, which I suppose is the point, though the Blands win in the end as wifey and hubby unite in the face of the interloper, and everything is in it's bloody-well proper place again. Kipling would love that ending. Bloody middle England. Poor Lucinda, she didn't deserve such a horrible death. David, you imbecile, you shacked up with the wrong one.
The occult aspect seems a claptrap mixture of made-up semi-magical-looking nonsense, though there's a particularly nasty horror scene in which a crow or raven is hacked to pieces. Please tell me that was a prop.
Real boobs and bum okay, but even the hoodoo doll is wearing knickers to hide her genitalia! Weird 80s double standards.
Nonsense and 80s hypocrisy aside, this star-studded horror short is, nonetheless, delightful with its trashy sex and over-the-top gore and violence. Patricia Quinn, we salute you.
The memorable earwormy theme music was composed by Roger Webb an ex-Jazz pianist.
Did you like that? If you did, there's more to come.